Hi, you don’t know me. But I know you very very very well. So let me introduce myself. My name is American Pop Culture. Just call me Pop. We haven’t met before. Let’s just say I’m the father you never had that Hannibal Lectored the mother you never had.
My sole wish for you is to wait. That’s my every desire. I want you to wait. Stay put and be cool, ok? Everything will be taken care of, everything will be figured out. Just stay where you are and wait. Please, I mean it.
You see, we need another 20 years until SKY.NET finishes the Matrix and turns you into a bio-digestable battery. Just wait. We will send you a cute, PG-13, no explicit language Transformer that got lost 3 galaxies away and has a soft spot for shaved chimpanzees, that although they call themselves civilized still fight all the time. He won’t save you, but at least that Transformer will make it less bad and you won’t feel lost, when Agent Smith starts to laugh.
On top of that the Umbrella Corporation won’t be releasing its T-Virus before 2018, which will take care of your family, so that your family can “take care” of you. You’ll try to avoid this by teaming up with some recovering alcoholic hillbillies and a chemistry teacher with a death sentence around his neck, but believe me: the T-Virus is simply for your own good. It will help tremendously with all those negative thinking patterns of yours. I know, it’s because of your parents. I’m here for you and I care.
In the meantime I want you to chill out on your mortgage powered patio over there and drink what the polar bear next to you is having. Don’t worry, it’s healthy because the green color on the label says so.
Look, I’m really sorry I fucked up in the early 90s, when I failed to provide a new narrative after the Soviets imploded. I should have known better. I saw the declining church visits and knew you like yourself some enemies to make sense of it all. But I really tried hard afterwards. I offered Free Credit® to Doug Heffernan, the friendly parcel deliveryman, AND his wife, the secretary. I came up with Evolution for all those “sciency” people. Granted, that was absolutely genius marketing back then. People stopped looking at Physics and Chemistry and Biology and Math for explanations and making sense of the world. Really perfect timing, because the idea of free will kept creeping back in. Evolution made determination cool again. It soothed your narcissistic tendencies, because suddenly you weren’t lost anymore, but the result of a loooooong line of straight heros. If you don’t believe me, just watch Star Wars, ok? You know the way you do X? And not Y? It’s because your grand-grand-grand-grand-grand-grrrrraaaaaand³³³³-father did X that way. Give me that annoying thing called responsibility back. Just blame it on your ancestors from now on. Got it? Good, I’m here for you.
And yes, I know it’s still super tough for you to hold your smartphone in one hand in front of your head while jerking off with the other, when you’re having your first wank of the day – in the office toilet at 10am. Especially when you can’t find the right clip that’s just exciting enough. “Bound gangbangs are so vanilla, dude” I know, that bitch calls herself an adult actress and won’t even be doing anal dp with ass to mouth afterwards. Seriously? What kind of work ethic is that?? But it’s not my fault that you struggle at your office and need to commute again. You simply didn’t make the most out of my just perfect idea of the home office. Working in your pyjamaZ, R U 4 realZ? I really tried hard with that one. 4G Netflix, Amazon Fresh Prime Instant Video Fire Plus, drone delivery – everything’s just one app away. It’s really difficult for me to make something cool again, once people with brains have realized it’s bullshit. But I’m working on it. At least vr porn is just 3 years away (which NBC will tell you is 5, because they want to hop on it and Fox will say is the second horseman of the Apocalypse). And yes, you can link your fleshlight via Bluetooth – no problemo senor.
By the way, as soon as the last season of Game of Thrones aired, I want you to get serious and marry Becky. You know, that’s what people your age do, don’t you see? Oh, you remember Becky, right? She’s the whale that stranded in your living room. You’ve known her since Junior High. It took you guys 7 years to find each other and have sex. That way you know it’s the real thing. Plus Becky finds it funny that you livestream every Apple product release conference and angrily tweet about their lack of innovation. She even played Mario Kart with you twice and gave you a blowjob on New Year’s Eve, when she was really drunk. She’s just as neurotic as you are, that’s why she’s your soulmate. Well, until that one time in Vegas where Avicii told her to live a life she will remember. She then had ten black cocks for dessert. She did not go along and find a cure for cancer, although that would have rhymed better with remembeeerr. Don’t judge her. It wasn’t her fault. It was a foam cannon party, alright, those fruity cocktails didn’t even taste like alcohol and them ten monstercocks just slipped in somehow. Please put a ring on her finger and please make it Facebook Messenger official. That’s how people learn these days. Believe me, I checked the Bible on it, which has parts from the Tora in it. It was different half a century ago, but I almost got rid off Radio from back then and TV is next, because those mediums know too little about you. I’m here for you. Don’t betray me, son, because I care. I’m your friend.
The only thing that can get in my way and fuck me in the buttoxhole where it hurts, is a DANGEROUS BRAIN. I’m being completely honest with you. I’ma lay it all out and put it on the table in front of you. There are many Dangerous Brains out there, but I’m not worried. I have FIFA and Monsanto and Disney on my side (the last one we call Marvel for you, because you have something that resembles a penis down there). Being a Dangerous Brain is tough. You need to constantly be open to growth, work out, eat healthy, value your time, read a lot and expose yourself to contrasting ideas. You need to do things for the long term instead of their instantaneous gratificational value. You need to look at the big picture and maintain foundational sharpness while reaching for the stars. Don’t worry about that.
I control the conversation. Elon Musk wants to die on Mars? Ok, Elon. Let’s make Mars a nice resort for people to go to then – two weeks per year of vacation are great, ok, don’t you know how the tax system works, man? Listen, advancing is bad. Change is dangerous. See, you still don’t understand. I’m not your enemy. I’m your closest friend. I know you. I know you better than you do. I care for you. And i’m worried. Dangerous Brains want to stir things up. They want to change this precious world of ours. That’s not nice. That’s not comfortable. It’s mean and disruptive (you know that last word, right? I taught it to you through endless articles on TechCrunch). Don’t listen to them. They already fucked up cigarettes for us. What happened to daredevils like James Dean and just having a good smoke in the sun? I am your friend. See, when you walk outside and you see those nice little parental signals lighting up, allowing you to cross the street? MY IDEA. When it’s 3pm and you feel a little tired and foggy, so you have to go to Walmart and get yourself some nice energy in a neon-colored can? MY IDEA. I am here for you. Who organized those shelves in there? ME. Don’t you think everything is in place and just right? I DO.
I made this world and in contrast to those Dangerous Brains, I care for you. Don’t you see? I’m even willing to legalize weed for you and gay marriage for your sister. AT THE SAME TIME you can still keep your guns and your sister can still keep her tabloids. Isn’t that nice? If you want me to, I’ll rip the femininity out of your women, so that they work and earn money in order to pay for your dinner. I know you like burgers. I’m on your team. Oh, wait – that was those 90s again. Anyways, please do me a favor in return, just listen to your push notifications and don’t change, ok? Just wait. Stay put. I don’t like the 1% percent neither. I already took Vertu smartphones away from them and I killed Blackberry to make those Wall Street snobs cry. I’m working on it, but grant me some time, man. The Apple watch is already attacking Rolex. I’m equalizing things for you. Just like in Hunger Games. I was the one who leaked Katniss’ nude pictures. Didn’t you enjoy that? And just wait until Google buys Uber. Fuck those fancy European cars. I have many good things in store for you to make the pain go away. Please be nice and just stay put, ok? All that time you didn’t even know I was there. I still silently hammered away in the background to carve out your future and I will keep doing so. So please relax, that’s not your job. Here’s a new burger joint for you. It has the words Heart + Attack in the name. That way you know it’s safe. Have a seat. Everything will be figured out. I want you to feel good NOW. All you have to do is slide your credit card through here please. Thank you, Sir, have a nice day, enjoy your food, god bless and exit through the gift shop. What? Just follow the signs, goddammit!!